no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
