I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
