Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
