We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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