he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
