Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
You can't special order awesome
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
