My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
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The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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