Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
