If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
