not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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