I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
