this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
