There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Randomize
