so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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