He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
