The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
