K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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