so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
