good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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