Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
