Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
