You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
