I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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