True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
