My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
