By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
