After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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