we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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