I hate all girls vehemently.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
