I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
jump out the window naked night went bad
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
