So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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