he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You ate ashes out of my bong
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
