When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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