I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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