just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
me + whiskey = a bad person
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
