I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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