look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
