If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
