worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Even my vagina gasped.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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