My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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