I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
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