8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
