Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just invented taco cereal.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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