I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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