Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
