So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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