Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
