I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
