So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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