so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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