nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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