the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
mondays should just be called national damage control day
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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