when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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