Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
