I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
