Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
